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EDITOR'S NOTE: As is hopefully obvious from the title, this article contains some words about sexytimes, though nothing explicit. Everyone’s always going on about how oh, we’re all thirty years old now, all grown up, and we’re making games about fatherhood like in Papo & Yo and The Walking Dead and all that jazz, and you can honestly murder anything in games these days, like you can make the witches in Left 4 Dead into Whitney Houston, have her sing to you, and then gun her down. In an attempt to sex up the interactive neonhighway like a British secret dossier, I put on a large trenchcoat and a mask and looked dashing as I rummaged through the internet’s intimates in search of the best, most interesting free games about doin’ it. Like Pietro Righi Riva, who is making a game called Awkward Sex about how hard (hah!

If you're too young to be reading such things or you're likely to be offended by them, avert thy eyes! I mean you can even make the likeness of Hitler and Stalin as Miis and then have them play tennis against each other, but still games are all like: NO HUMPING. I said hard) it is to position two bodies intimately, Leon is concerned with presenting us with a tricky bodily problem. Tea (SFW, not if you are a cuttlefish though) “You are in an OCEAN.

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But YOU KEEP YOUR BITS TO YOURSELVES, DICTATORS OF THE PAST. Bind Her by Leon Arnott (NSFW) I like Bind Her because it really conveys the absurdity of body parts and sex well.

The problem in question here is a squirmy lady: sex is all elbows and knees at the best of times, and what if your lover is particularly wriggly? It is WET.” “You have: eight arms, colour-changing skin, lust.” Okay so my main reason for including a game about lusty cuttlefish having sex is that a) it is like a way funnier National Geographic narrated by a drunk teen David Attenborough and b) it is so well written that I laugh with delight every time I play it.